My mom passed away last October and we were extremely close. She was diagnosed with COPD and at the start of 2018, they said she would only have 3 months left.
I took leave of absences and was basically her nurse. I worried constantly about her. I had just received a promotion, which left me about 20 miles away from my mom. I panicked when she didn't answer her phone. I panicked if i hadn't heard from her that day. I panicked if she had to go to the bathroom and me not being there to help her walk there. It made me actually physically sick.
Everytime I went into work I was in a bad mood. My brain wasn't really concerned about work, and when i had to add on that extra stress, it manifested into the most severe anxiety I've ever had.
I had repressed my feelings after she died and they tend to lead to a big breakdown eventually. They say you'll have good and bad days, and this is one of the bad ones.
I can't stop thinking about what more I could have done, if I had just done one little thing differently, she could still be here. I feel so guilty about going to work, about not hanging out with her more, and the fact that we ate breakfast, she wasn't coherent. She was also having trouble breathing, so I gave her morphine and she said she was going to take a nap, then get up and take a shower.
That was the last time I saw her alive. 30 minutes later I go to check on her, and she's not breathing. She's pale and blue. I think in a way she knew and was trying to calm me by acting like everything was ok. I feel so incredibly awful that i wasn't in the same room with her when she died.
It doesnt make sense to be in a world where my mom doesn't exist. I just can't even wrap my brain around it. And it physically hurts, which I wasnt expecting. It's like an aching in your heart. Its like a low throbbing squeezing pain in my chest.
Comments
Sorry for your loss. Things will never be the same, but time heals things somewhat even if not completely.
i'm so sorry for your loss Shay. i hope you find peace and strength cause i can't even begin to imagine how i would feel. you did everything you could and atleast she isn't suffering anymore. i'm sure you were an incredible daughter and did everything you could for your mother <3
Hang in there. My mom is going through the motions of terminal cancer atm so feel free to HMU anytime. Would be nice to talk to someone who's experienced something similar.
Im sorry :( I can't imagine the mental anguish you must be going through. Although right now is shitty, I hope you eventually move out of the stage of blaming yourself. I hope you find solace and happiness. Even though I don't know your mother, I can guarantee that she would want you to be happy.
omg so sorry :( if u need to talk u can always talk to me
i spent like all day saturday and all day sunday in the hospital with my mom and sunday night i was exhausted and left to go home and sleep and then she died
sometimes i think they do it to save us the excruciating pain tbh
This made me really sad and I actually teared up when I read it
I’m so so sorry you had to go through this, my mum is also important to me and I just don’t want to imagine how horrible something like this is... but do take some time off to yourself, because you need to heal :( all i know is she’s in a much better place now and she’s at peace... stay strong dude
Im sorry for your loss. Your mom may not be hear in person, but her soul and a part of her will always be with you and watching over you forever.
There is no cure for grief, but they say time heals and at least she is not in any pain now. You should not feel guilty, you did everything you could to help her, and she would be extremely grateful and proud of you for coping so well under extremely difficult circumstances.
Don't be hard on yourself, the fact you felt stress and sadness, only shows that you cared, and had a great love for your mother.
Wisconsinite96 im honestly not sure. But for the past like 4 winters she always got really really sick. She'd been put in the hospital and placed on a ventilator. Her oxygen level always dropped but she was so used to it, she didn't notice it usually.
The very last time she was admitted, when they told us we only have 3 months, they told us that if she gets admitted again she will not be put on a ventilator. Its too hard on her already sick body. Luckily, we got almost a year together.
Minniemax yeah because the more I thought about it, she could't even walk without falling. We tried, she just kept falling. Her balance was completely gone and we'd both fallen in the floor trying to get her up. So, she would never tell me "when I get up i'm going to take a shower". She couldn't even walk.
I've had family members tell me that "she was protecting you from seeing her take her last breath, she wouldnt have wanted you to see it". So i dont know. Its just so confusing.
thanks for the support i didnt want to spam this or anything cause ii really dont care about tengaged anymore, but this is the kinda thing I cant post on facebook or somewhere public. Everyone thinks its time for me to move on from the grief and seem to get annoyed by it when I try to be honest with people.
If I open up and tell them what my actual issues were, they'd get even more annoyed that I was using it as an "excuse". Well, yeah? Grief isnt some bandaid you can tear off in 1 go.
shayybayy yep :( well my mom at the end kept screaming at me to put her in bed and she already was soooo i was really worked up about the whole thing :(
