**This blog will talk about suicide, depression, death threats and racism**
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In three days it will be the one year anniversary of when I passively tried to commit suicide. I was out in Boston celebrating a friends birthday and was the happiest I had been in a while, it all changed when we started to walk back to my friends apartment. As the walk progressed I got further and further behind and waited for them to be in a deep conversation before ditching them. I roamed Boston until I found a deep dark alley and sat there vaping watching the world pass-by and hoping someone hurt me. My friends filed a missing persons report and searched for me. I was annoyed that I couldn't check the score of a youth European soccer game that I had bet on earlier in the night. I eventually walked back to my friends apartment around 6 am and sat outside because I knew I would have to deal with the consequences of my actions. The next day was extremely emotional and draining but I vowed I would [hopefully] never try to kill myself again not for myself but because it would have an effect on people I loved.
As a result I started going to therapy to resolve some issues from childhood and worked on bettering myself. I stopped gambling and drinking for ~4 months but and started being more active on League of Legends & Tengaged. I don't remember exactly how I met xcharliex during this time but it was either through a mutual friend on league or a tengaged game. We started playing almost nightly and talked about our horrible home life growing up, depression, anxiety.... all those fun things. It helped me process my thoughts outside of therapy and I felt like I was also helping him process things. During this time he developed feelings for me that were never reciprocated and would talk to people about me obsessively (he also made some awkward comments like calling me daddy on a call during a clash tournament which was very cringe). He also takes games very seriously and is toxic but that is something I would never entertain - if he flamed me during a league game I would stop responding until he apologized and calmed down.
In May I started a new job and was flown to Austin for a department meeting. For those of you who think work travel is glamorous.... it's not. Essentially my days were booked with meetings from 8 am - 6 pm followed by a group bonding activity and dinner so I would not get back to my hotel before 9 pm. This didn't leave a lot of time for the mutual survivor that Charlie and I were in. On one of the days before I flew home he was evicted (not by my doing) and he went off in my PMs. I think I had over 40 messages telling me to kill myself, that I was a freak & geek, and I was disgusting. I blocked him that day and have not talked to him since (except for some comment on my RTG account before I knew what his was). I also ended up getting Covid for the first time during that work trip and was sick for almost two weeks.
In the following weeks he tried to get mutual friends to add me to a chat with him or to talk to him again. He would say how much he loved and missed me, to kill myself, that I was disgusting and worthless on repeat for hours. When people eventually stopped responding to him he resorted to making new discord accounts to try and talk to me and spam call me on repeat for hours (I thank god for being able to silence notifications) always saying the same things and using things I had shared with him when we were friends to expose and try and hurt me. Throughout this I never responded as people were concerned for his mental health/well-being.
This leads to his actions today. I will not tolerate racism to anyone, let alone my best friend (https://tengaged.com/blog/DaddyDev/9928366/this-real-xcharliex ). Charlie previously told Edgar he wanted to call him slurs when he was mad at him and today he did. When his ban is up if you associate with him I will also cut you off because he knows what he did was wrong and doesn't care or try and better himself. I could have very easily ended up like Charlie, being trash because my family was trash, but I used that for motivation to do and be better.
This was my second time typing this because I got a white screen the first time so if I missed anything I'm sorry but feel free to ask me anything and I will answer honestly.
Decide if I would flirt with you or a box of day old French fries
otaq idk you so probably the French fries gagaluv I would deep throat those French fries, shit them out and eat them again danger no but I’d flirt with you if I was horny enough times_places French fries all day jessie_ I feel like you don’t like me so French fries gabrieltrezza we’ve done more than flirt already wym CrimsonEnnui I don’t flirt with fish so French fries
@chibidiarrhea I’d poke myself in the eyes with the French fries you nasty freak joey65409 no but I’d steal your cat sjsoccer88 yes but we arent related so you would ignore it jenna2010 french fries (:
@kaylabby ryan would rail you salmaan you shaded me so not maybe in the future but rn I'm taking french fries brunodrads lover :* flirt all day GeorgeFlair ur like a little brother to me so idk why you even posted ur name
Going into this game I knew a few people that joined and had to remove from my friends list and wanted to make sure I did not go up with any of them ( chibideidara, colter, cotbey)
Knowing how Edgar plays stars I knew I had to make him feel safe in our relationship and that he was my ride or die - you can say I made a deal with the devil
LIVE FOOTAGE:
After going up early and knowing Edgar had a hand in it I knew I had to create distance between me and him to make sure I didn't go up with him in the future, every chance I got I reminded people of how popular he was, how shady he is, and how people were sheeping him. The issue is the people I was reminding didn't want to go up with him even though they were in the minority ( tryphena, dbonee). I knew once I went up for 15th I could push the narrative that I was not part of the "premade" and was able to get information from all sides.
When we got down to final 9 Edgar, Drew and I came up with a plan to have one of them go unnominated as it was our best chance to beat Tanya and make sure the ones who were getting nominated went against people that were less popular. Unfortunately, we miscalculated cotbey's popularity and Edgar and I had to scramble to make sure our plan still went through.
Now where I had a choice - to put up Edgar for 4th or let him go unnominated. I thought a lot about this a lot but I decided I wanted to sit next to my friend in the finals who did a lot of my dirty work instead of potentially sending him home against @dboneee
Both polls I was up my opponent left with over 60%.
Lastly, if you needed another reason to vote me FighterMan promised to post his vlog supporting me tomorrow so STAY TUNED
Please reward my gameplay with my first stars win :)
After going up quickly for 15th I was able to turn the game around and get the premade up and out that was supposed to join with Eilish. Even when part of the cast refused to talk to me or answer my messages I was still able to avoid the block until now.
Please save me and give me the final push to make my second ever finals (and maybe even my first win?) <3
