During the summer between 6th and 7th grade, I remember I was at my great grandmothers house playing Scooby Doo Night of 100 Frights on the PS2. I used to spend a lot of time at my great grandmothers house on the weekends and during summer vacation. I remember one day I was playing and my great grandma brought me the phone and my mother was on the other line. She immediately started in on me. "WHY IS THERE GAY PORN ON YOUR COMPUTER? ARE YOU GAY?" and i started crying and was like "no" and she said "THEN WHY IS THERE GAY PORN? ITS A SIN TO BE GAY. IF YOURE GAY NONE OF THE FAMILY WILL TALK TO YOU AFTER YOU TURN 18. WE DON'T SUPPORT THAT." and im crying and literally keep saying "no im not" and she said "A F***** JUST LIKE (MY UNCLE)". and im full on bawling and im like no im not and she just said like "whatever bye" and hung up.
I remember that part so clearly, but after that I don't remember much about it besides it making me hide everything about myself. I couldn't say I liked girly music, or liked anything too feminine, or I was even scared to watch Ellen on tv. I remember one time at the video store I wanted to rent The Flintstones live action movie and my parents said no because Rosie O'Donnell was in it and she would still make money off of it if I rented it.
I think this is what started most of my mental health issues and why I can never open up to anyone about anything.
The first time I ever even HINTED to anyone irl (not including tengaged) was senior year when my best friends were talking about it in a coded way using milkshakes as an example. I said i was bi and liked "both kinds of the milkshake". They were very nice and supportive about it and never really said anything about it again or made me feel uncomfortable about it. I was scared just to say I was fully gay. A kid I had went to high school with and I played football with his brother had been abducted and beaten almost to death by a religious cult in our hometown for being gay.
When I started my first job at 19 is when I really started being okay with telling people I was gay. I grew up in a small southern town where everybody knew everyone's business and people were very judgemental. I remember one day I worked with this middle aged woman named jennifer and she was just making small talk. Do you have a girlfriend? no. Do you have a boyfriend? no. Do you like boys? I was so nervous it was the first time anyone had directly asked me since the incident over the phone with my mother. "yeah i do" and she said something along the lines of "thats okay! i usually can tell. we have a lot of people here who are gay so its okay to be yourself. i wont tell anyone though." I did find out like 2 months later that she did indeed tell everyone, but by the point i find out she had told i had already told everyone.
That was 2015. I still hadn't come out to my family.
In 2017 when my grandma died I moved away from my hometown with my friends to another slightly more progressive town in the south. I started working at a server as a restaurant. Idk why but I felt even more pressure about coming out here. This was my new fresh start in another place. Should I tell anyone? It was probably 4 or 5 months before I told even one person, and it was a girl i used to give rides home too. we would share about our personal lives, and how we were both head over heels for guys that didn't feel the same about us. (ironically they both had the same name).
One day at work I heard one of my favorite coworkers say "Henry (another coworker) is gay?!?! bro i aint giving him any more rides home. nope." And i was like fuck well I can't come out here after all. I did end up telling one person and i remember it did kinda spread like a wild fire there. all my different coworkers would come up to me and be like "youre gay?!?! i had no idea!". I at first was mortified, but it didn't seem to make a difference to any of them honestly. Even the one that was like "im not giving him a ride anymore!" was like yeah that was just a joke. I felt not only accepted by them, but safe and protected like they would have my back against any homophobic people.
I left that job due to covid in may of 2020, and I still hadn't come out to my family.
During covid, in the same week, my gay uncle (the fa**** according to my mother) and my great grandmother both died 2 days apart. Due to covid, I couldn't go see my great grandmother in the nursing home even though we knew she was about to pass. I was able to go see my uncle on life support. And then the two funerals. This was august/september of 2020.
In october of 2020, I turned 25. And I was at a point in my life where I felt like I needed to be myself in every possible way. So in a CRINGE facebook post the day after my birthday, I made a coming out post. I did have most of my family on facebook (the few I actually care about) including my mother. I prefaced the post saying that I was told as a child that if i did turn out to be gay, i was told it was a sin and my family would no longer talk to me, but I was indeed gay.
I did get a lot of very supportive and loving comments and messages from my family, including my mother, father, and sister.
Cut to today even though my mother lives 3 hours away from me, we are probably the closest we have ever been because I'm no longer hiding part of myself. She always wants to see me when I visit my hometown. Sometimes I do hold resentment from it, but then I just have to remember that even though she did spew all that hate, when push came to shove she didn't stop talking to me, even helped me financially when I needed it.
I'm at the point now where I don't really care who knows if I'm gay. If somebody asks me i'll say yeah i am without any hesitation. The older I get, the less I care about what anyone thinks about me. And I also think we are at a point in this country where visibility is important. I don't want kids who grew up like me, ashamed of themselves, afraid to come out because of fear of rejection from there family, or even harm from the community. I want it to get easier and more open every generation. If anything can be taken from my story, I think it's that your words and actions do affect others greatly, especially as a kid, and can do some serious damage.
Remember... there's always time for kindness.
Comments
All this unneeded stress just for being a [REDACTED] smh society has failed
ThAnk you for sharing and I read it all. I hope you were able to eventually enjoy The Flintstones with Rosie and I’m glad your family ended up being supportive in the long run.
