This site uses cookies. If you continue to browse the site, we shall assume that you accept the use of cookies.
Big Brother and online Hunger games.

Goodbye

6thNov 23, 2018 by Obstreperous
I joined Tengaged over four years ago on #OMGitsGARRET. I didn't know this website would change my life.

That account was later banned in 2015 and I made this one. That same year was my first exposure to someone who would deeply effect my life two years later. It was my first interaction with AdamRuinsEverything . After that, we played a few games here and there. Probably exchanged a few mails and messages, but never really got close until summer 2017.

From Roblox and group games, cringe I know, I slowly and slowly started spending more time with the guy who used to ruin everything, now known as AdamLovesEverything , whom I call Ryan.

Ryan and I kept getting closer and spending more time together. I enjoyed our conversations and everything they had to offer. He helped me get over a rough period in my life around November 2017 and has always helped me since. He knows how much of a fucking mess my actual real life. From my parents to school to everything. Some of which I didn't even tell him until recently, but I can proudly say that he knows everything now.

Ryan was there for me when I needed him most. So as silly as it sounds, on December 30th, 2017, we started a romantic relationship. It started out awkward, but over time we just got closer and closer. From talking and chatting all day long, to finally being comfortable enough to call with each other. Telling each other stories, sharing secrets and even sleeping on call together. I fell in love.

I've had boyfriends before, but nothing like this. This was a true connection. I genuinely saw a future with Ryan. We were 1,500 miles apart, but I was serious and so was he. We even talked to our parents about seeing each other this Christmas. My parents agreed and so did his. They were set to drive all the way to spend his Christmas Break with me. This wasn't just some silly T-relationship. No one will ever know or understand the bond we had. I genuinely was serious about him.

Our relationship had so many amazing memories and good moments. But there were also some very low, low moments as well. A rollercoaster of up and down emotions. Our relationship has taken a strain so much recently however. From October to November our communication drastically decreased because of outside influences apart from us. But things started looking up after mid-November.

Now he's currently on Thanksgiving Break and I thought we could reconnect and have a great time. Which... we did. I had an amazing time with him. I was so happy. The happiest I've genuinely been in months. The spark rekindled and I fell even more in love.

But there was another darker side... lies, miscommunications, constant contradictions, keeping malicious secrets and going behind my back. Today, a lot of that came to light. We've had some big fights throughout our relationship, but I can definitely say today was the worst. Instead of it being a day to give thanks, today ended up being the worst day of my life. I've been crying and hyperventilating and having breakdown after breakdown all day today. I don't want to get into all the details but it's just... bad.

I don't know why I'm making this blog. Maybe if someone someday remembers me and goes, "Whatever happened to that one guy with the weird username that started with an O?" Then, they can find me and if interested enough, read this. But honestly, I'm not even really doing it for that. I'm doing this for Ryan. I already deleted my Skype account in a rush of tears and not thinking straight. So this is the only other place I can get the message across.

Ryan... I'm sorry too. I wish it didn't have to end this way. I wish I didn't break up with you. I wish I could take it back. I wish you would've just let me kill myself back in 2017 so I wouldn't have had to come into your life.  I don't even know what I wish for. I love you and I still do. I just have so much emotion and I don't know what to do. I wish you just would've changed and fixed yourself when you first told me you would. I just feel so hopeless.

My life sucking sucks. I have nothing going for me. I'm not going to contribute anything to society. My parents will hate me for being gay. I just lost the one last thing going for me in this life which was Ryan. I have NOTHING else. I have no reason to be on Tengaged anymore. I have no reason to live.

Ryan, I'm fucking SORRY. I made a mistake. We both made mistakes. But I can't take it back. I wish I did. I just wish things were different. I could go back through my mind and think of all the things that I could have done today to make this outcome not happen. If I just would have went to sleep and left when I first wanted to and not stayed like you asked me to, but I wanted to stay because you told me. If I just didn't have insecurity or jealousy problems, then I wouldn't have gotten upset. But I can't help that. I just... I fucking hate myself.

I don't know what to say. But I love you Ryan. I still do. I always will. I'm sorry for what I'm doing and any pain it will bring to you. I just don't see another way. You were the only thing going for me in my life and now that you're gone every other second I continue to be alive is pointless and worthless.

Just I'm sorry and I love you... Ryan. :(

Goodbye.

Comments

:(
Sent by Fetish,Nov 23, 2018
Just wanted to add I’m not the ryan he’s referring to.  Oh and good luck bro.
Sent by Scononduders,Nov 23, 2018
Also would like to add that you’re what, 18?  You’ll barely remember this 5-10 years from now. I know you’ll disagree, but the passing of time works.
Sent by Scononduders,Nov 23, 2018
:(
Sent by RedFabFoxy,Nov 23, 2018
:(
Sent by Etienne,Nov 23, 2018
This breaks my heart :/ omg I hope that y’all can work it out or just at least stay friends in the least because losing someone your close to online or irl is rough to just be like cut off for good :/
Sent by Thumper91,Nov 23, 2018
ummm someone call the po po? =[
Sent by Nightcore,Nov 23, 2018
Idk if you’ll get the chance to read this but it’s gonna be okay, there’s so much to live for in your life and I hope you can eventually see that :)

It’s okay not to be okay sometimes, but the bad times as well as the good make life worth living :)
Sent by FromAWindow,Nov 23, 2018
So long Garret! I enjoyed our memories together playing group games. Will miss you!
Sent by jwbrine,Nov 23, 2018
Im so sorry, this is going to be pretty raw for a while. I know what it feels like to be in that low point, its not fun at all. I would never wish that upon anyone. Just know, you are resilient, you are strong, and with time this will all pass. You will meet someone new, or you will get back together with him and create a better life and work around your problems and turn them into your strengths (Like my boyfriend and I did). I really hope you read this, just so you know that you're not alone, and know that it gets better. Take the time to do things you enjoy, make sure you don't stop eating, even on the days when you feel like you can't eat a thing. When the days come that you want to eat lots of food, just do it, it helps a little :).

I hope everything gets better for you super soon. Don't let anyone devalue your relationship, im sure this is just as hard as any breakup.
Sent by zachbbs,Nov 23, 2018
you are more powerful than you think. learn to look within ryan and i wish u the best dude
Sent by Hash,Nov 23, 2018
lmao ur pathetic
Sent by YouAllSuck,Nov 24, 2018
BYEEEE 😢😢😢😢
Sent by FireX,Nov 24, 2018
11/24/18
Sent by FireX,Nov 24, 2018
This is stupid
You are young you will find another love
Sent by Carvalho,Nov 24, 2018
Goodbye
Sent by Tester,Nov 24, 2018
:(
Sent by RyanLovesYou,Apr 25, 2020
👻
Sent by TheDarkSide,Nov 30, 2020

Leave a comment