I joined Tengaged over four years ago on #OMGitsGARRET. I didn't know this website would change my life.
That account was later banned in 2015 and I made this one. That same year was my first exposure to someone who would deeply effect my life two years later. It was my first interaction with AdamRuinsEverything . After that, we played a few games here and there. Probably exchanged a few mails and messages, but never really got close until summer 2017.
From Roblox and group games, cringe I know, I slowly and slowly started spending more time with the guy who used to ruin everything, now known as AdamLovesEverything , whom I call Ryan.
Ryan and I kept getting closer and spending more time together. I enjoyed our conversations and everything they had to offer. He helped me get over a rough period in my life around November 2017 and has always helped me since. He knows how much of a fucking mess my actual real life. From my parents to school to everything. Some of which I didn't even tell him until recently, but I can proudly say that he knows everything now.
Ryan was there for me when I needed him most. So as silly as it sounds, on December 30th, 2017, we started a romantic relationship. It started out awkward, but over time we just got closer and closer. From talking and chatting all day long, to finally being comfortable enough to call with each other. Telling each other stories, sharing secrets and even sleeping on call together. I fell in love.
I've had boyfriends before, but nothing like this. This was a true connection. I genuinely saw a future with Ryan. We were 1,500 miles apart, but I was serious and so was he. We even talked to our parents about seeing each other this Christmas. My parents agreed and so did his. They were set to drive all the way to spend his Christmas Break with me. This wasn't just some silly T-relationship. No one will ever know or understand the bond we had. I genuinely was serious about him.
Our relationship had so many amazing memories and good moments. But there were also some very low, low moments as well. A rollercoaster of up and down emotions. Our relationship has taken a strain so much recently however. From October to November our communication drastically decreased because of outside influences apart from us. But things started looking up after mid-November.
Now he's currently on Thanksgiving Break and I thought we could reconnect and have a great time. Which... we did. I had an amazing time with him. I was so happy. The happiest I've genuinely been in months. The spark rekindled and I fell even more in love.
But there was another darker side... lies, miscommunications, constant contradictions, keeping malicious secrets and going behind my back. Today, a lot of that came to light. We've had some big fights throughout our relationship, but I can definitely say today was the worst. Instead of it being a day to give thanks, today ended up being the worst day of my life. I've been crying and hyperventilating and having breakdown after breakdown all day today. I don't want to get into all the details but it's just... bad.
I don't know why I'm making this blog. Maybe if someone someday remembers me and goes, "Whatever happened to that one guy with the weird username that started with an O?" Then, they can find me and if interested enough, read this. But honestly, I'm not even really doing it for that. I'm doing this for Ryan. I already deleted my Skype account in a rush of tears and not thinking straight. So this is the only other place I can get the message across.
Ryan... I'm sorry too. I wish it didn't have to end this way. I wish I didn't break up with you. I wish I could take it back. I wish you would've just let me kill myself back in 2017 so I wouldn't have had to come into your life. I don't even know what I wish for. I love you and I still do. I just have so much emotion and I don't know what to do. I wish you just would've changed and fixed yourself when you first told me you would. I just feel so hopeless.
My life sucking sucks. I have nothing going for me. I'm not going to contribute anything to society. My parents will hate me for being gay. I just lost the one last thing going for me in this life which was Ryan. I have NOTHING else. I have no reason to be on Tengaged anymore. I have no reason to live.
Ryan, I'm fucking SORRY. I made a mistake. We both made mistakes. But I can't take it back. I wish I did. I just wish things were different. I could go back through my mind and think of all the things that I could have done today to make this outcome not happen. If I just would have went to sleep and left when I first wanted to and not stayed like you asked me to, but I wanted to stay because you told me. If I just didn't have insecurity or jealousy problems, then I wouldn't have gotten upset. But I can't help that. I just... I fucking hate myself.
I don't know what to say. But I love you Ryan. I still do. I always will. I'm sorry for what I'm doing and any pain it will bring to you. I just don't see another way. You were the only thing going for me in my life and now that you're gone every other second I continue to be alive is pointless and worthless.
