People ask me all the time if im straight or gay or bi or whatever. Everyone who has ever asked gets the same response. I’m straight. Well, that’s not really the truth.
So I grew up in a Christian home where I learned that being gay is a sin and its wrong and all that stuff. I actually have been anti-gay marriage for most of my life. Some of you know that. But thinking back onto my childhood, and listening to other people’s stories, I have come to understand what being gay or bisexual means.
I have never really been a sexual person. Sexual jokes aren’t really that funny to me and im really not all about like watching porn or seeing nudes or anything. Honestly its gross to me. But I remember thinking in high school and even younger about what it might be like to kiss a boy. I would think “Well ill probably kiss some girls, and maybe a boy, I don’t know.” And I just thought everyone had those thoughts and that they just didn’t talk about it. But now im realizing that that isn’t so much the truth.
When I think about being with a girl, I really don’t understand the fascination about boobs and why guys like them. Like its just a bunch of fat and skin. What’s attractive about that? It doesn’t makes sense. Now, seeing a guy shirtless, for whatever reason, idk if it is because I want to look like that or that I want to be with them, but I actually find that attractive. It’s weird and something that I never thought I would admit.
So to the people who have asked me if im straight or gay or bi, well, now you know.
I’m gay.
Now in all honesty, I hear all these stories about how ill be happy if I date guys, or marry a guy. But I don’t know if that is what will really make me happy. I have many opportunities that would be taken from me for being with a guy. I’m not sure I want to be the “gay” cousin or the “gay” son or the “gay” teacher. I don’t wanna not be allowed in my church. I don’t want to have to tell my future students that I have a husband, not a wife. I’m not sure if I really want a husband. I want a wife, but Im not confident that I would be able to please her in the way that she would deserve, and I don’t want to hurt someone that I care about. I want to be a father some day. This whole thing called life is confusing and I don’t know what is going to happen with me, but at least this is out in the open now. No one in my personal life knows this. They may not ever know. But at least someone out there does.
Now i don't wanna see your jingle bells tengaged, so don't go sending me pictures. This doesn't mean i want a boyfriend, it just means i wanna be myself.
You kind of sound asexual. You say you don't enjoy porn and boobs. Do you find dicks ugly too? The shirtless thing can just be you wanting to look like that
I knew this post was coming, I know you were a little nervous about putting it out there but you can see you are getting support. You know I am always here for you, I will do my best to give you the best advice but like I said the most important thing is for you to keep being you, dont feel ashamed or be in fear of anything. God made you who you are, you are already accepted. You just need to find your place in this life that makes you happy!!
BIIIIIIIIIIIITCH I KNEW IT!! omgg OMG this tea, I HAD A FEELING THOOO
lol sorry I'm acting extra. on a more serious note, I'm really proud of you for realising this Michael! You've grown a lot and you've truly realised what you like, and that's great!! I seriously support you (even if we have been shaky lately lol) and will always be there for you. We love you!
aw i don't know you but congrats on posting this, seems like a big step for you! and it's a relatable experience, i mean these things definitely take time to completely understand/come to terms with/know how to handle. you seem to have a good head on your shoulders though, and i believe in you :D
M_Davis1998 hey, I also come from a very conservative, religious background and pretty much went through all the phases you did. Being gay is tough on its own, being gay AND lacking the support structure of a family and battling religion is a whole other ball game.
From personal experience, all I can say is allow yourself to think and be patient with yourself. At places of worship we are usually conditioned to just not question things and we become very rigid in our thoughts. Let your thoughts wonder, reflect on who you are currently and modify/change things that prevent you from being a better, happier you - as this is what makes a good person. I personally stopped practising religion years ago but if you want, work to a space where you can practice AND be your true authentic self.
If you ever need to chat about challenges or just generally let me know, i'm all ears and get where you're coming from :)
Simba, my friend, my president at heart, Your amazing no matter who you decide you want to kiss, or who you decide you want to marry or dont marry. You are strong and i am proud of you. This was such a big deal for you. i remember a convo we hand about a year or so ago and it was deep and what I walked away from that thinking was this kid is fighting some massive inner deamons. He knows something about himself but is scared to say it because of the religion he loves more then he loves himself. To that ends. You have chosen to love yourself just as much and to allow yourself to be who you are. Congrats, btw boobs are nice.
I come from a little of the same background, as someone who was raised mormon it can be super hard to be yourself and I think it’s awesome you know who you are :) if you ever wanna two hmu I’m sure we have some similarities in the story.
M_Davis1998
What god would punish someone for love anyways :). Congrats, hopefully you seek the nerve to tell your family your collective thoughts, either way how it goes just know your parents love you! Whoever you kiss goodnight and kiss good morning and goodbye shouldn’t concern anyone at all, hopefully you find who you are looking for and seek happiness :)
I really love this, congratulations! A lot of people feel the same way you do about the "gay" label, myself included. Best of luck with everything, it can be really tricky figuring out what you really want! But even admitting it is a huge first step :) Congrats again that's awesome!
M_Davis1998 I applaud your bravery.
I'm asexual but I understand the worry of not being able to pleasure your ideal life partner. I'm sure there are women like me out there who seek companionship but not intimacy.
But you should honestly think about what is most important for you - reputation or happiness?
Dude this was deep as shit. Well written and the best way I've ever heard someone try to explain their experience with such an abstract and mysterious subject (sexuality and its complex gradation).
This was beautiful to read :) I’m so happy that you could get this off your chest and expresss yourself freely. I don’t know how old you are, but I hope as life goes on you discover more about yourself and you’re able to be happy
Thanks Krisstory. I just wrote what I felt haha. I've had this written for like a month
wileycoyote as I said above I do have the desire for sex but I was raised thinking I should wait for marriage for sex (which I still believe) so I haven't ever really thought much about sex. I think I may be demisexual.
You rule!
A piece of advice for you,
Do not let the haters get to you. You know that they are wrong and stupid. Also, you are super awesome for coming out. Best of luck! 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀
