Because i'm npt someone who likes to talk about myself to others and vent normally--i'm more the listener or even we can say a "cheap therapist" and I have been told making a blog is a nice way to do it, to try and just express whatever you're feeling out of you. So why not attempt it.
*No need to read if you don't like me or don't care because it's just expressing how i've been feeling, since Late March*
Ever since the fire incident in March, I just haven't felt completely as I would generally feel, the moment I woke up from the induced coma. I just feel kinda like I lost a part I can never get back...
And personally, it felt like it was some kind of sign. Trying to explain to me something that had to be done. I just don't fully get what it is. I thought I had an idea that maybe it was to get going out of here, but then my hand got infected with something. The first 3ish weeks, I thought it was just eczema and treated it like that, but I found out it was a yeast infection. I never knew you could get that shit on your hand or a clean freak like myself, who avoids anything disgusting could get this, over my caveman brother, that literally showers once per month--if lucky. It's been 4 weeks yesterday, since I found out what my hand was really being infected by.
So then I thought maybe it was to practice my passion in writing...but just as I was getting into it, this guy started staying at my place. Things were like normal, up to about 2 weeks ago. I have just felt restricted from writing...restricted to doing anything I would normally do and just rarely a chance to focus on anything. I just feel so constricted within myself and just feel like I have no place to more or breathe alone. The term "a relationship with no sex involved" is kinda how I feel...like friends with benefits, but just calculated flirtation as the "benefits".
I literally haven't even been able to have a real conversation with KizzXxX08 for about a week now, when we had one at least once a day. Like I just feel kinda isolated mentally and emotionally.
I'm hoping this end soon because I just don't feel natural anymore--like i'm being me, but just taming my persona down majority of the time because i'm always on listening mode...it's just overwhelming, the negativity i'm feeling and just feeling the urges on self-harm I have struggled with today; the first time in a while--maybe even a year, since i've felt so much like doing it.
Like this sounds really silly to most--but I literally have tried to watch 3 shows since tuseday and have only gotten to one--now finally maybe a second because that's how limited my time alone is and how much I just can't focus on shit while not alone.
I just really hope it just starts to feel better soon...like not dying in that fire, was for absolutely nothing.
Comments
I am very happy you didnt die! It wasn't for nothing Jordan < 3
Life is shitty but you still have control:) do something crazy with your like. my friend just left to Taiwan to yeah English (easy to get jobs like that) or go back to school or Something.
But really, there are lots of people who love you and would miss you like crazy if anything happened. Things will get better:)
I can relate to this, it's a completely normal phase. Just try and get some good sleep, take a backseat, put on some good music and just relax. Maybe even switch off notifs for a day on your phone to give yourself time - watching TV shows is just a distraction which you're clearly not finding satisfying atm.
Life is shitty but you still have control:) do something crazy with your like. my friend just left to Taiwan to yeah English (easy to get jobs like that) or go back to school or Something.
But really, there are lots of people who love you and would miss you like crazy if anything happened. Things will get better:)