My name is Thomas Ybarra and I am a junior political science major at Southern Utah University in Cedar City, Utah. After hiding behind my anonymous writing for years on this site I have finally decided to come out and present myself to the world. After overcoming an extremely difficult part of my life I felt it was best to practice what I preach and be who I am no matter what people think. I deleted all my old posts because I am a new Thomas now and I am happy to tell my story, hoping that one day it could bring strength to anyone who reads it because things can and will get better.
It all began in the month of January, 2014. I was still living with my boyfriend and our engagement had been ended because of my choosing. I found out he cheated on me with our neighbor who lived below us in our apartment complex. It was a difficult thing to get over but one thing I believe in is love and I will fight for love as long as it is worth fighting for. My ex-boyfriend was someone worth fighting for… or so I thought.
I was starting to notice a behavior change within my ex. He was becoming sad and depressed and I could tell he was unhappy with life or our relationship. I offered him my hand, my love, and my support. I wanted to help him in anyway I could. He closed himself off and wouldn’t let myself or anyone else in. Because of his distance I also decided to distance myself from him, hoping that this was the space he needed to help get everything figured out. Had I known that this method was going to make things worse I would have gone about it differently.
One night while cuddling with an already upset boyfriend, my ex decided to comment on my “roundness,” passing it along as a joke. I gave in return a little chuckle but in the back of my mind I wondered if what he said was actually something he had been thinking. I am a skinny, 145 pound, young man and I knew that I wasn’t fat or “round” for that matter but I was hoping that he did not see me in that light. Days and nights had gone by and things had gotten worse. My ex started not only mentioning things about my weight and my eating habits but also about my intelligence. He would make passive aggressive comments suggesting that I was “stupid.” He started arguments over small things I would mention: the food we would eat for dinner, the running course we would run that night, or the way something should be done. It was becoming an unhealthy relationship to be in because I would wonder my days away with the topic of what fight my ex-boyfriend would start with me next. Things however became extremely dangerous when I decided to stop eating.
It was a January night, I had just gotten back from volleyball and ex was studying at the library, I stood in front of our mirror outside our bathroom and I held the small “flab” that was my stomach. I put my head in my hands and cried. I wasn’t comfortable with my body shape or the way my body looked anymore. I was upset that the man I was in love with looked at me in that way, that the man who was supposed to make me feel special, the man who was supposed to make me feel safe, and the man who was supposed to make me feel comfort when I felt down, thought of me in such a way. That night I made the conscious decision to do something about “my weight issue.” I started reading online articles about people who would lose weight fast from not eating days and days at a time. I started my process small, with only eating lunch and skipping dinner or vice-versa. I slowly started cutting back all meals and only ate snacks during the day. I was getting very talented at hiding that I wasn’t eating, using techniques to make it look I had eaten all the food on my plate.
With the emotional abuse continuing through the months it was easier to continue not eating. I started losing my appetite and it felt good to have control over a situation concerning an aspect of our relationship. Not eating was becoming easy and simple to practice but it wasn’t until I read tweets from my favorite celebrity did I realize I had a problem. Kesha checked into rehab for an eating disorder a few days before I had made the contentious decision to stop eating. I sent out tweets and texts to my friends showing my support for Kesha while she was on her journey to get better. It isn’t until now do I realize that I was such a hypocrite during that time. While I was supporting someone for getting help when they needed it, I never faced my own problem even though I knew what I was doing was unhealthy.
Kesha thanked all her fans for such great support and told us to remember to be who we are over twitter. I nearly broke down because I knew that I wasn’t being myself and loving myself the way that I had deserved. In fear of losing the man I loved I stuck with the abuse and started abusing myself too. After admitting to myself I had a problem it took me about a week but I built up the courage to confront my ex about our issues. I explained to him that the way he was treating me was not okay with me and I was unhappy. He denied his abusive nature and that is when I decided to “take a break” from him and seek treatment.
I signed up for counseling in April and in two and a half months I learned to love myself again. In about a week of being separated from my ex-boyfriend he was with another man and I slowly started to learn that he had been cheating on me through out our whole relationship. This news was devastating to me but I wasn’t going to let it get in the way of my progress to become a better person. I’ve moved on now, knowing that I need someone in my life who is going to love me the way I now love myself. I am eating again and although I still am a little self conscious about my body I feel better than ever. I’ve started working out and eating healthy- controlling the way I look the healthy way. I’ve surround myself with people who love me and although most people do not know this journey and story about me, whether they know it or not the support of my family and friends have helped me grow to become a strong and healthy individual.
I beg everyone to keep true to who they are and love themselves for what and who they are. You can only be you and something special in this world. I’ve loved the progress and changes I’ve made and I’m excited to show the new Thomas M. Ybarra to the world.
A heart across the internet to spread awareness on cyber bullying. Stop cyber bullying. 
And it was the best day of my life: