I was raised in a strict household. Conservative. Christian. Son of a preacher. I was taught from an early age to go to college, marry a good woman, and raise a family in church. I still loved them, even when I started realizing something was “wrong” with me.
Now here I sit crying because I can’t tell them. I cant tell them that I’m finally happy. I cant hug them and smile and tell them about my day. I cant be open and honest with them about my life.
I miss family. I miss home. I miss hugging my mother and talking about the books I’ve read. I miss listening to my grandmother sing hymns on the porch. I miss the peace that comes with that childhood. The feeling that everything will be okay in the end, it’s all in Gods hands.
I will never forget the day I realized. That the people I loved and cared for the most in this world loved a lie more than they loved me. That they loved this imaginary perfect son more than the flesh and blood in front of them.
Why is it I can love people unconditionally, even when they disagree with me. But the people I love most in this world will never treat me the same if I tell them?
I want to tell them. I want to tell them I’m happy, that I’m free, that I am finally accepting who I am. But its a lie. How can I honestly say I have accepted myself? I hate being this way. I hate being bisexual. I wish with all of my heart I could be straight. I wish i weren’t a disappointment.
To a lot of people on here. I know I was emotional and volatile when I was younger. I would blow up at random shit all the time. It was tough. I want to say I was growing up, but the truth is I was just fighting accepting who I have been my whole life, and I used Tengaged as a way to vent that frustration and that fear. I put all of my heart and soul into this site for a little while, because it was so much easier than living my lie of a life.
It's strange to think about, but Tengaged helped me to open up and finally accept myself for who I am. I will always be grateful for that.