welcome back to absolita's barista contest! this week, our baristas were challenged to make me a refreshing water drink to really sate my thirst before we get into the depths of this competition. how did they do? did YOUR favorite barista make a drink that would wow me this week? let's find out. as always, make sure to use the hashtag #AbsolitaBarista to sound off about your thoughts on this week's episode!
without further ado, let's get into the judging. this week had a lot of different submissions, and i liked a lot of what was going on this week! even a lot of the risks that didn't pan out were rather funny. i'll be going down the list, from my favorite submissions to my least favorite submissions. (i will do my best to do critiques for everyone every week, but i'm not going to make promises)
1st - darktyphoon23 - This was really what I was looking for this week. I think you really stuck to a classic water formula with the idea of lemon water, but the presentation really put you at the top for me. I was really hoping a lot more people would incorporate ice into their drinks! Ice is honestly such a key component to having a refreshing glass of water it's not the same unless your tastebuds are going a little numb and you feel the nice, cold sensation of it running down your throat... what were we talking about again?
2nd - mastropola - Yes yes yes this is such a VIBE of a picture. Condensation on the outside of the glass is really the sign of an expertly poured glass of water. She's nice and cold, she looks very refreshing, and you really tapped into the "hot day just mowed lawn find water" part of my brain with this drink. Excellent work this week.
3rd - kinggeek - This also looks super refreshing to me. Lemon and lime really are kind of just the go-to fruits when it comes to water mix-ins, so you really won. I see some ice in there too, and I'm ready to have my thirst quenched. I think you paid a lot of attention to your presentation this week. The little jars in the background give me some Love Island UK vibes when they leave the villa to have a romantic picnic.
4th - akora - The Brita water filter/pitcher 2-in-1 DOES trigger me in a way. My aunt used to use them all the time and uhm, to make a long story short, she is very fucking annoying. However, even despite that, I do really respect the ability to just pull that little tab and have some ice cold water without no DAMN fluoride infecting the brains of our youth.
5th - itsaustin - Easily the best of the 3 bottled water submissions this week. I really love the walmart water bottles because they are super weak and very good for chewing on. I probably sound insane saying that but idc like this is my show and this is my judging panel and the ability to chew on the receptacle that the water comes out of is really a genius idea there is something so satisfying about crushing the weak plastic water bottles with your teeth (i am probably going to have dentures at the age of 40) and also the fact that this is frozen is another plus. I like the challenge of it, and you know even if you're only getting a few drops at the start you can start crushing up the ice and eating it like a slushie with no flavor (which gives me an idea for a good challenge)
Okay I'm going to cut to commercial and do some really basic critiques for you middle people
BOTTOM TEXT (very delicious looking animated water good work this week)
7th - cheritaisdelicious - this looks very nice but the whole berries in water thing is kind of meh? like i don't really know how that part works. but i do respect the idea of herbs in water i think that part sounds really refreshing and this presentation is just lovely very nice water receptacles
8th - mmabatlokoamolefe - this is actually a pretty simple submission but you got one thing VERY right, which was the jar. i am SUCH a jar person it's not even funny i always drink water out of glass jars that shit hits different
9th - weetmaster - this water looks very boujee which is kind of a plus and a minus? like, i don't FEEL like i wanna be the person who is so pretentious about water that they drink this shit, but... there's only so many layers of irony to all my water elitism this week
10th - britishromeo17 - also some very nice animated water. it looks kind of like cucumbers, and also lemons? the designs are a little vague. i'm not sure what i'm drinking here, but the aesthetic is definitely on.
11th - highnoon - dasni bad but honestly im not that woke i will drink a dasani. i'm not huge on bottled water but i can definitely shotgun a dasani
12th - christian_ - this water fountain water definitely gives me a huge sense of nostalgia. i get that slightly metallic taste in my mouth even thinking about it, but my high school had some good water fountains that DIDN'T have that vibe so it evens out. not too bad, but not too impressive, underscore.
13th - bigdizzleyomama - this might be the FUNNIEST submission full stop but it was definitely not the most delicious. i could see a watermelon drink being good but the way you described it didn't really do any favors
*cuts back to the actual show/critiques*
So... the bottom 4 this week is LovelyKiss, iSandeh, HowLovely, and turkeylover. What the fuck happened? I know that like this is sort of a joke competition, but I unfortunately can't fuck with a joke submission. I am doing this series completely unironically, maybe I should have said that before. :3
Anyways, the first one of you four that is safe is LovelyKiss. You were the least bad of these 4. I really appreciate the vibe you were going for, but this is a competition with production value. We have a budget. This is the drink you offer me when I get in your car for a hook-up and I couldn't go to the nearby Starbucks because they don't allow me in there anymore because I made too many Rick & Morty references when I ordered my iced peppermint mocha last week, not the drink you offer me on Absolita's Barista Contest Season 1.
Additionally, you are safe as well, iSandeh. You were being annoying in my pms and this submission sucked. I don't want to have to have a thought about ergonomics when I'm just trying to slurp up some water. If you're gonna make me eat off the damn floor at least give me some ice in the bowl that I can knock out of the bowl and start knocking around the kitchen and give you a mess to clean up.
So, the bottom 2 is HowLovely & turkeylover. These were like... bottom of the bottom of the water jar for me.
HowLovely - Girl this is nasty I am not drinking no damn bong water nuh uh no way not on a sunday not on a wednesday not even at 4:20 pm. Kind of point blank period if you stay this week we aren't doing no more JOKES. This is a serious show and you will not make me look like a hack after I worked so hard to get this damn contract with Food Network.
turkeylover - Uhm this is kind of cute but... am I supposed to drink the glitter? As much as I want my mouth to look like Studio 54, that's not really gonna be an effective way to quench my thirst. This was rough. I think you sacrificed function for form this week, and I think you can do better than this. I want a drink, not an arts and crafts project.
Sooo... both really bad submissions in their own ways. Who was less bad, and who was more bad? Who will go home tonight?
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HowLovely. Pack your shit and go clean that damn bong or I'll tell your mom you have it.
Turkeylover, go join the other baristas. You have another week in the house, and I hope you use it well.
that's all for tonight. i'll be posting week 2... soon. how soon? i don't really know. probably tomorrow morning.
@AloportsamBackwards
Nov 27 2020 3:32 AM
Hope I impressed y'all this week on ABC! Words cannot describe the honor it felt to be in the TOP! No spoilers (signed an NDA lol) but I can promise I won't disappoint with effort! All of that water made me have to pee SIX times during the episode! Stay Hydrated! #GodBless#AbsolitaBarista
